Monday, March 21, 2011

It's Rainbows

Okay, so bloggin's time. I'm really amused by applying D&D logic to our real lives. If I ever get in a fight, I'm lighting my shoes on fire so it does an extra 1d6 damage when I kick you. Actually, I'm just lighting everything on fire. Ffffffffire! What were we? It's been a while since I've seen a good thunderstorm. In Pennsylvania you'd get the best purple lightning. Purple Lightning needs to be the name of my band. We'll be like some sort of zany electronic band that did covers of 80s pop songs and original songs about flying bicycles, zippers, and fire. I'd play electric base xylophone. Just picture that. Me banging away at a giant xylophone, wires all up in every place and in the distance some flames go off and someone falls from the rafters. So sweet.

I've been playing a lot of the new pokemon. Why is it that any five year old could come up with better pokemon then these? Ducklett. It is a duck. That is blue. A duck. So we called it Duck-lett. I want to punch something in the throat. With fire. On the other hand, the game's still very sweet. A real step up, but I'm not going to go on about it because that would be boring.

It's really hard to write this right now because so much stuff is going on. It was nice having some quiet time, but I basically did nothing and only had one person to talk to, and that was only right at the end of break. So yes, I missed all my friends :P . You saps. But my friends are being loud. This is why I keep a roll of duct tape on hand. Actually, there are multiple reasons. Here's a short list:

1) You're on top of a cliff, no rope, no way to get down. Tape one end of the roll to something, like an air conditioner or a star-nosed mole, and hold on tight to the roll, drop over the edge. You can let out the tape as you go, and instant rope!

2) So there's a hooker in your trunk. No questions asked, it just happened. Happens to the best of us, really. Why just last week...I digress. Anyway apply liberally to the limbs, and if you don't know what to do from there then I can't help you.

3) A Sith lord is staring you down, lightning crackling at his fingertips. Well, turns out that duct tape is the force. It has a light side, a dark side and it binds everything together. So pull that sucker out a stretch and reflect the lightning back at him. Then take up his mantle and rule the empire, since you just killed a sith and violence leads to anger leads to hatred leads to burritos.

4) Your princess got captured, and there's an army of angry turtles and mushroom-beasts between you and some nookie. Well, using nothing but duct tape and a half-dozen paperclips you can in fact make an UFO with a working death ray. Bend the clips flipways and it should become obvious.

5) There's a meteor heading for us. Oh dang, makes those long term plans you made seem really stupid, huh? Shoulda lived in the moment, but no time to realize how worthless everything you've been working towards has actually been. Flap your arms until you reach the move, then tape duct tape to the moon. Fling the roll out and lasso the meteor. Tape it down - tada, super moon! Now back to a life sex, drugs, and techno.

6) New epidemic out, Whale flu. Everyone's catching it like it's the new top tween sensation. How are you going to avoid the illness and make it to your competitive miniature golf tournament, where you'll finally be able to buy back your pet tapir fluffy, which you lost in a rigged bet against Baron von Squish. Well, every disease needs to get in to your body first, so simply tape up all your orifices completely. Now nothing can get in!

The list goes on and on and on and on. And on. There's simply no end to it, really. Except, remember, you cannot use duct tape to fix a broken heart. Just kidding! Tape that sucka up :D .

Why is fire related to passion? So is heartburn the result of a passionate heart? Honestly "I love you, and my love is comparable to pure entropy, incapable of doing anything except destroying all in its path, only stoppable upon its death". "Oh and I got you these flowers....which I then set on fire. Because I love you". Yeah great. Pretty much anything makes more sense. Trees should be a sign of passion. "My passion is steady, it may wax and wane but it is tenacious and ever growing, a beautiful thing that will bring us shelter and cultivate a harmonious environment around it, supporting many other lives with its mere presence". Or we could relate passion to duct tape.