Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Grilled Cheesus

What if Jesus Christ came back as a fish? What kinda fish would it be? Would it be a lionfish? Or maybe a troutfish? Or a cabbage? I do not know. I do not understande. I understand that in a couple thousand years, batman will overtaken christianity. I believe we need to get a head start on this, and start spreading the gospel of batman. Maybe we can convince people he is real. The Only Question Is Who Do We Get To Play The Part Of The Romans? The Joker Would Make A Good....What Was The Name Of That Crazy Emperor? The One Who Elected His Senate To Horse. I Always Misspell Emperor. Just Like Umpire. Batman Does Not Strike Me As A Basebal l Kind Of Dude. Really, If Anything, I See Him Enjoying A Good Game Of Death Croquet. It's Over Nine Thousand Times As Deadly As It Sounds.

How Do You Normalize The Vector Of A Squirrel? If I Was To Throw A Squirrel? Would Squirrel? I Think That I Would One Day Like To......Um....Uh...

So Hey How About That Whole Armageddon Thing, AmIRite? There's Just So Many Prices And Vaules Possibilities, And Hollywood Is Determined To Cover Them All. We Hass The Meteors. The Pandemics. Incidentally, Does Anyone Know How Biology Works? Anyone? But I DIGRESS. We Have Robot Overflow. My Favorite Is Just "It's Time So The World's Gonna Fall Apart" Like The Earth Has Epilepsy And Someone Brought It To A Rave. Probably Jupiter. Jupiter's Been Trying To Get Into Our Pants For Eons. Creeper. Like That Fat Uncle Just A Little To Enthusiastic About Babysitting. I Think The Who Did A Song On That. Who? Exactly.

I Used To Hate Failblog And The ICanHasCheezburger Conglomerate, But Now I Realize They Are A Service To Society. They Show Us How Incredibly Idiotic Most Things We Find Amusing Are, And Force Us To Get Over Them Quickly By Oversaturating Us With Them Like A Jupiter Spreading Butter On A Bagel. Celestial Bagel Needs To Be A Concept Album About The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, But I DIGRESS. Because They Just Get Idiot Upon Idiot Who Thinks "Trolling" Means Linking Their Grandmother to Lemon Party (How Is That Still A Thing? I'm Pretty Sure The Pope Has Heard About It By Now!) We Get Bored Of That Sorta Thing Because It Lumps Us In With The Stupid. And You Should Apply Lumps To The Stupid, Not Lump In With Them. Unless They're Lovely Lady Lumps, But That's An Entirely Different Pair Of Breasts.

I Just Flew In From Las Vegas, And Boy Are My Arms Tired! I Mean, I Must Have Punched 60 Different Hookers!

So Anyway I'm Not Sure How Batman Works As A Moral Theory, But It's Better Than Superman. I Bet World War II Wouldn't Have Happened Had Hitler Not Been Born. But Even With Him Born, Superman Seems Like His Wet Dream (You Are Now Thinking Of A Nazi Masturbating To Superman Comics. Have Fun!) I Mean Come On. A Second, And As Far As We Know All-White, Race Of Super-Humans, A Member Of Which Imposes His Sense Of Justice And Maintains Order? Way-To-go. What If Superman Had Landed In Eastern Europe, Hmmmm? If Batman Landed In Eastern Europe, It'd Be Because He's Punching The Concept Of Nazism In Its Balls. And If Spiderman Lands In Eastern Europe It's Because He's A Moron And Got Lost On His Way To Pick Up Pizza. Spiderman Morality Mostly Revolves Around Being A Big Baby And Pining Over Gingers In A Way That, In Real Life, Would Get Him Labeled A Creepy Stalker. Honestly, In The First Movie Doesn't He Stare At MJ Through The Lens Of His Camera? The Ginger Shoulda Gotten The Spider Bite. Also, What Happened To That Spider? Did It Go "Oh Dang My Bite Makes People Superheroes, Better Stop Biting People?" I Think Not. Batman Wouldn't Stand For That Shenanigans.

A Lot Of People Believe In Reincarnation, But I Don't See Its Appeal, As It Obliterates The Person That Was Just As IF No Afterlife Existed. We Exist Only As Our Consciousness; Our Bodies Provide No Sense Of Identity, Fundamentally. You Are Literally Not The Same Person You Were Five Years, Hours, Seconds Ago, As Your Consciousness Is In Constant Flux. But At The Least, You Can Refer To A Continuum Of Experience And Thought To Prove A Singular, Unbroken Person Exists, Albeit Mutable. Whatever A "Soul" Is, If In Reincarnation Your Mind Is Wiped Clean Then You Are Destroyed. The Only Alternative Is That Your Mind Is Kept But Is Inaccessible To Your New "Self", Which Seems Fairly Tortuous And Means You Potentially Have Dozens Of Minds Trapped Inside Of You, Many Of Which Have No Doubt Broken From Millenia Of Solitary Confinement And Sensory Depravation. Way. To. Go.

Whoops, Forgot The Funny There.