Grilled Cheesus

What if Jesus Christ came back as a fish? What kinda fish would it be? Would it be a lionfish? Or maybe a troutfish? Or a cabbage? I do not know. I do not understande. I understand that in a couple thousand years, batman will overtaken christianity. I believe we need to get a head start on this, and start spreading the gospel of batman. Maybe we can convince people he is real. The Only Question Is Who Do We Get To Play The Part Of The Romans? The Joker Would Make A Good....What Was The Name Of That Crazy Emperor? The One Who Elected His Senate To Horse. I Always Misspell Emperor. Just Like Umpire. Batman Does Not Strike Me As A Basebal l Kind Of Dude. Really, If Anything, I See Him Enjoying A Good Game Of Death Croquet. It's Over Nine Thousand Times As Deadly As It Sounds.

How Do You Normalize The Vector Of A Squirrel? If I Was To Throw A Squirrel? Would Squirrel? I Think That I Would One Day Like To......Um....Uh...

So Hey How About That Whole Armageddon Thing, AmIRite? There's Just So Many Prices And Vaules Possibilities, And Hollywood Is Determined To Cover Them All. We Hass The Meteors. The Pandemics. Incidentally, Does Anyone Know How Biology Works? Anyone? But I DIGRESS. We Have Robot Overflow. My Favorite Is Just "It's Time So The World's Gonna Fall Apart" Like The Earth Has Epilepsy And Someone Brought It To A Rave. Probably Jupiter. Jupiter's Been Trying To Get Into Our Pants For Eons. Creeper. Like That Fat Uncle Just A Little To Enthusiastic About Babysitting. I Think The Who Did A Song On That. Who? Exactly.

I Used To Hate Failblog And The ICanHasCheezburger Conglomerate, But Now I Realize They Are A Service To Society. They Show Us How Incredibly Idiotic Most Things We Find Amusing Are, And Force Us To Get Over Them Quickly By Oversaturating Us With Them Like A Jupiter Spreading Butter On A Bagel. Celestial Bagel Needs To Be A Concept Album About The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, But I DIGRESS. Because They Just Get Idiot Upon Idiot Who Thinks "Trolling" Means Linking Their Grandmother to Lemon Party (How Is That Still A Thing? I'm Pretty Sure The Pope Has Heard About It By Now!) We Get Bored Of That Sorta Thing Because It Lumps Us In With The Stupid. And You Should Apply Lumps To The Stupid, Not Lump In With Them. Unless They're Lovely Lady Lumps, But That's An Entirely Different Pair Of Breasts.

I Just Flew In From Las Vegas, And Boy Are My Arms Tired! I Mean, I Must Have Punched 60 Different Hookers!

So Anyway I'm Not Sure How Batman Works As A Moral Theory, But It's Better Than Superman. I Bet World War II Wouldn't Have Happened Had Hitler Not Been Born. But Even With Him Born, Superman Seems Like His Wet Dream (You Are Now Thinking Of A Nazi Masturbating To Superman Comics. Have Fun!) I Mean Come On. A Second, And As Far As We Know All-White, Race Of Super-Humans, A Member Of Which Imposes His Sense Of Justice And Maintains Order? Way-To-go. What If Superman Had Landed In Eastern Europe, Hmmmm? If Batman Landed In Eastern Europe, It'd Be Because He's Punching The Concept Of Nazism In Its Balls. And If Spiderman Lands In Eastern Europe It's Because He's A Moron And Got Lost On His Way To Pick Up Pizza. Spiderman Morality Mostly Revolves Around Being A Big Baby And Pining Over Gingers In A Way That, In Real Life, Would Get Him Labeled A Creepy Stalker. Honestly, In The First Movie Doesn't He Stare At MJ Through The Lens Of His Camera? The Ginger Shoulda Gotten The Spider Bite. Also, What Happened To That Spider? Did It Go "Oh Dang My Bite Makes People Superheroes, Better Stop Biting People?" I Think Not. Batman Wouldn't Stand For That Shenanigans.

A Lot Of People Believe In Reincarnation, But I Don't See Its Appeal, As It Obliterates The Person That Was Just As IF No Afterlife Existed. We Exist Only As Our Consciousness; Our Bodies Provide No Sense Of Identity, Fundamentally. You Are Literally Not The Same Person You Were Five Years, Hours, Seconds Ago, As Your Consciousness Is In Constant Flux. But At The Least, You Can Refer To A Continuum Of Experience And Thought To Prove A Singular, Unbroken Person Exists, Albeit Mutable. Whatever A "Soul" Is, If In Reincarnation Your Mind Is Wiped Clean Then You Are Destroyed. The Only Alternative Is That Your Mind Is Kept But Is Inaccessible To Your New "Self", Which Seems Fairly Tortuous And Means You Potentially Have Dozens Of Minds Trapped Inside Of You, Many Of Which Have No Doubt Broken From Millenia Of Solitary Confinement And Sensory Depravation. Way. To. Go.

Whoops, Forgot The Funny There.

It's Rainbows

Okay, so bloggin's time. I'm really amused by applying D&D logic to our real lives. If I ever get in a fight, I'm lighting my shoes on fire so it does an extra 1d6 damage when I kick you. Actually, I'm just lighting everything on fire. Ffffffffire! What were we? It's been a while since I've seen a good thunderstorm. In Pennsylvania you'd get the best purple lightning. Purple Lightning needs to be the name of my band. We'll be like some sort of zany electronic band that did covers of 80s pop songs and original songs about flying bicycles, zippers, and fire. I'd play electric base xylophone. Just picture that. Me banging away at a giant xylophone, wires all up in every place and in the distance some flames go off and someone falls from the rafters. So sweet.

I've been playing a lot of the new pokemon. Why is it that any five year old could come up with better pokemon then these? Ducklett. It is a duck. That is blue. A duck. So we called it Duck-lett. I want to punch something in the throat. With fire. On the other hand, the game's still very sweet. A real step up, but I'm not going to go on about it because that would be boring.

It's really hard to write this right now because so much stuff is going on. It was nice having some quiet time, but I basically did nothing and only had one person to talk to, and that was only right at the end of break. So yes, I missed all my friends :P . You saps. But my friends are being loud. This is why I keep a roll of duct tape on hand. Actually, there are multiple reasons. Here's a short list:

1) You're on top of a cliff, no rope, no way to get down. Tape one end of the roll to something, like an air conditioner or a star-nosed mole, and hold on tight to the roll, drop over the edge. You can let out the tape as you go, and instant rope!

2) So there's a hooker in your trunk. No questions asked, it just happened. Happens to the best of us, really. Why just last week...I digress. Anyway apply liberally to the limbs, and if you don't know what to do from there then I can't help you.

3) A Sith lord is staring you down, lightning crackling at his fingertips. Well, turns out that duct tape is the force. It has a light side, a dark side and it binds everything together. So pull that sucker out a stretch and reflect the lightning back at him. Then take up his mantle and rule the empire, since you just killed a sith and violence leads to anger leads to hatred leads to burritos.

4) Your princess got captured, and there's an army of angry turtles and mushroom-beasts between you and some nookie. Well, using nothing but duct tape and a half-dozen paperclips you can in fact make an UFO with a working death ray. Bend the clips flipways and it should become obvious.

5) There's a meteor heading for us. Oh dang, makes those long term plans you made seem really stupid, huh? Shoulda lived in the moment, but no time to realize how worthless everything you've been working towards has actually been. Flap your arms until you reach the move, then tape duct tape to the moon. Fling the roll out and lasso the meteor. Tape it down - tada, super moon! Now back to a life sex, drugs, and techno.

6) New epidemic out, Whale flu. Everyone's catching it like it's the new top tween sensation. How are you going to avoid the illness and make it to your competitive miniature golf tournament, where you'll finally be able to buy back your pet tapir fluffy, which you lost in a rigged bet against Baron von Squish. Well, every disease needs to get in to your body first, so simply tape up all your orifices completely. Now nothing can get in!

The list goes on and on and on and on. And on. There's simply no end to it, really. Except, remember, you cannot use duct tape to fix a broken heart. Just kidding! Tape that sucka up :D .

Why is fire related to passion? So is heartburn the result of a passionate heart? Honestly "I love you, and my love is comparable to pure entropy, incapable of doing anything except destroying all in its path, only stoppable upon its death". "Oh and I got you these flowers....which I then set on fire. Because I love you". Yeah great. Pretty much anything makes more sense. Trees should be a sign of passion. "My passion is steady, it may wax and wane but it is tenacious and ever growing, a beautiful thing that will bring us shelter and cultivate a harmonious environment around it, supporting many other lives with its mere presence". Or we could relate passion to duct tape.