Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Life Lessons

Brought to you by pain. Okay, Life lesson number 1. Life is formed spontaneously when gooey organic matter things decide they've got s##t to do and need to get it done. So they get together and form dinosaurs. Unfortunately, dinosaurs are too awesome, and too large, and there's no more room for anything else. So Dinosaurs and Space had an awesome competition. Dinosaurs won after a bloody battle that killed thousands but led to the rise of America as a superpower, but then Space through a tantrum and Dinosaurs were all like "Fiiiine, we don't need you." and so moved on to non-space dimensions. If the Large Hadron Collider was 3% bigger, particle accelerations and collisions would start to produce high-energy velociraptors. Which would be a friggen awesome way to die, but you would die, because it's impossible to keep a saddle on them. You cannot know a dinosaur's position and velocity at the same time, because if you do that means you're about to get eated. Also, for every dinosaur there is an equal and opposite dinosaur. And that's why the ostrich exists.

Life lesson #2 . I just kept up a theme for more than one paragraph. Awwwwww yyyeeeaaahh.

Life lesson #3 . Ladies. Tired of getting pregnant? Get him pregnant instead. All you need to do is completely disregard all known biology. Also, his bellybutton. It's the orifice with the closest access to where babies grow. Babies grow directly in the stomach, so that they can get their share of nutrients the mother/father consumes. That's where the phrase "eating for two" comes from, and why BJs can get you pregnant. While most women elect to poop out the baby, because it's the natural flow of the digestive tract, it is more than possible to vomit up your newborn child. And that's why the ostrich exists.

Life lesson #4 . WTF sloths?

Life lesson #5 . No, seriously, sloths. When did evolution go "you know what? This thing needs to be *slower* or it'll never make it."

Life lesson #6 . Friggen sloths.

Life lesson #7 . When raising children, remember that they respond in the same ways as animals. Teach them what to do by rewarding them, such as not chewing on things you want intact or not humping your leg. Teach them what not to do with a taser. Don't rub their noses in poop though, that doesn't work. Sicko. Also, program in a few quirks for good measure. Condition your children to be afraid of footstools. Or to attack anyone wearing a plaid shirt. That last one falls under 'civic duty' . We will eradicate this menace.

Life lesson #8 . Life lesson #8 was going to be this huge description about how you could build your own time machine, go back and punch your grandma, and fracture reality, but then I realized that was getting a little tangential. Maybe next time.

Life lesson #9 "The birds and the bees" is a phrase that comes from the fact that before the 1960s, no one knew how sex actually worked. Seriously, they thought birds and bees were doing it. It's lucky your parents managed to be born. All sex was invented in a ten year span accumulating (haha, cum) in 1969, which even got one of the most widespread sexual acrobatics named after it. Since then, no one has done anything new. Nope. Highlight has come and passed. There was a brief attempt to revitalize it in the 80s, but no one remembers the 80s. Anyway, that's why ostriches exist.

No comments:

Post a Comment